totallyjaded.com

I’m now on my third N900, and this one seems decent. I’m actually posting from it now.

More to come…

For anyone considering an N900, I’d hold off.

This fucking thing crashes constantly.

So I’ve got the Nike+ thing. Initially, I thought it would be kitschy and annoying, and not worth the money, but I have to admit, it’s motivating. And the Nike+ shoes I bought are so fucking comfortable. Like… holy shit. Seriously, if you’re stupid-large and five minutes on a treadmill kicks your ass, you need to get the Nike Air Max Moto 6+ shoes right now.

Best. Shoes. Ever.

If you’re not familiar with it, there’s a sensor that goes in your shoe, and a receiver that snaps on to your iPod. The iPod shows how far you’ve gone, how fast you’re going, how many calories you’re burning, and so on. While you’re walking or running, you get an occasional voiceover telling you similar information.

After about a half hour today, I decided my legs kind of hurt, and I was about done. Not a minute later, I get the voiceover… “One kilometer to go.” For you heathens who didn’t have to learn Metric and Imperial units in school, a kilometer is about… well… it isn’t very far. So I pushed further, because I didn’t want Ms. Nike to be ashamed of me. “One half kilometer to go.” Well, this is taking too long, so I’ll turn the speed up. A-ha! Motivation!

I got home, and let it sync with the Nike site. Yay, me. Faster than last time.

Fuck you, sporty whore who can run.

I’m actually working up to running. Right now, it’s more of a brisk walk that takes forever. But Nike has has convinced me that I need a wonderful array of things, conveniently located on their site that tracks all of my uploaded data. Like a wristband. And an armband. And a watch. And better shoes. And a new outfit. All of these things will make me a better runner, even though I’m not really a runner right now. I will be one, and I’ll finally understand the allure.

More importantly, I’ll look closer to the people my age at the gym. Right now, I tend to hang with the 60+ crowd, because most of them are walking pretty slow. So, I imagine I pass myself off in the “medical needs” section, rather than “Holy fuck, he’s huge” when I’m next to some 19 year-old pixie who has been running like a fucking gazelle 30 minutes prior to my arrival, and stays an hour later than I do. Not that I’m bitter about it. Realistically, I can’t be. She didn’t shove those pizzas down my throat.

Speaking of Born to Run, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band are playing this Friday. Had I known earlier, I might have wanted to go if there was an AmEx pre-sale. But I just checked and the whole floor is $92 General Admission, and anywhere else decent is like $103. Maybe if this was a farewell tour, but shit, that’s like a new pair of shoes and a Nike+ watch for two tickets. Sorry Bruce. I don’t think so.

I don’t expect much of people. And, I generally expect less of drivers.

All I ask, is that you pay attention to the road, and at least try to use your fucking turn signal.

So, when you know that this two-lane road is going to become one lane after this light, don’t fool yourself in to believing that your Suburban is a drag racing machine. And don’t think that I won’t run you off of the road sooner than let you in. And don’t get pissy with your brights when that’s happened.

And don’t ever get out of your car. I’m bitchy enough with zero Coke and 50% less nicotine, and I’m on my way to the gym.

Okay, if it hasn’t happened already, I predict “The World Without” is going to be on Grey’s Anatomy.

Today I discovered old Unscrewed clips on YouTube.

Behold:

The Economy.

Sounds very serious and almost scary, huh? I mean, that’s a resounding preface and answer for damn near everything lately.

Why can’t you give me extra Sweet & Sour sauce for my McNuggets? Oh, the economy you say? Dear me, I had better adjust my monocle so I can see the plight of my fellow man.

Seriously? You think he's figured out government secrets to free money?

Whether you’re looking for a reasonable price on a new television, or need to find yourself a job, people will tell you where to stick it, and if you ask why, they’ll say “The economy!”

That last run-on sentence? Periods are expensive, commas aren’t. It’s the economy, y’know…

Because I am a master of this internet, and will someday be as internet famous as some of the people on YouTube have been, I’ve seen a lot of ads targeting people who are impacted by the harsh and unforgiving mistress we call “The Economy.” And I’d like to share with you one very simple truth. This information is valuable. This information will save you money. Hard earned money, which, according to people who talk about being employed, is the only kind of money there is. Here it is:

Nobody wants to give you free money. Nobody.

I’ll blow my wad on periods here, to drive this point home: Nobody. Wants. To. Give. You. Money. For. Nothing. (insert lame “chicks for free” reference here)

This man's money is clearly hard-earned. Harder than anyone. Don't believe me? Check out the fucking hat.

So there’s the part of me that’s all “How in the name of all that is holy are people still falling for the Nigerian scam e-mails?” I’d think with the ever-watchful eye of Channel 7, even the oldest senior citizen with e-mail would be well aware that Uge Watumbe does not know a long lost millionaire relative you’ve never met. Yet, the scams still flow, because people still fall for them.

What’s more disturbing though, is the ridiculous online marketing I’m seeing now, which is really what prompted me to tug the old soapbox from the closet and bitch.

When you see a banner ad offering you something ridiculous — let’s say free money for your opinion, or a mortgage with $0 down at 2.5% interest, or $2,000 televisions for $199, it is almost certainly bullshit. Nobody gives a shit about your opinion, and they’re sure as fuck not going to pay you for it. This thing here? I pay for it. Sure, I should write it off on my taxes as a public service, but never the less, nobody is paying me for my opinion. Incidentally, my opinion is better than, and worth exponentially more money than yours.

Change you're a fucking retard to believe in.

Similarly incredible is the sheer number of ads online that profess that Obama has shooed in some magical law that is guaranteed to reduce your mortgage payment. But it’s a big secret, and the only way you’ll learn about it is by clicking on the seizure inducing flash ad on underground sites like CNN and The Weather Channel. Tip: If you’re 10 years in to your 30 year mortgage and you reamortize it, you’re going to pay less, unless you’re actually one of the dumbest people alive.

Similarly, there are ads professing “debt relief” (often of the guise that Dear Leader has bestowed this to his loyal subjects as well). The mysterious program? Fucking Bankruptcy. That’s the magic program.

Yes, it’s a federal program. Yes, it reduces your debts. It’s goddamn bankruptcy, for fuck’s sake! The only secret you’re unlocking is that you’re kind of a fuckup when it comes to your money, since declaring bankruptcy makes it public record. So when you see or hear about the program that lets you manage your debts if they’re over $5,000, think about the stupid fuckstick who is declaring bankruptcy over that kind of money.

Nobody is giving free money. Not wealthy marketers. Not people in charge of the estates of dead relatives in Africa (unless you actually have a dead relative in Africa who left you some money). Not Obama. Not the rest of the government. Stop clicking on the damn ads. Stop calling for more information when you hear them on the radio. As the wise philosopher Susan Powter once said: “Stop the insanity!”

I’ve noticed Halloween stuff in the stores, and started my annual “Is is time to upgrade my movies” hunt over on Amazon.

Off the top of my head, I really only remember two blow-out Halloween parties, so that’s never been a huge component of Halloween for me. However, I seem to haul out the same series of movies during the month of October.

This year, I decided it was probably time to pick up the Blu-Ray version of The Crow, but alas, the powers that be have not seen fit to make a Blu-Ray version. I’d say “my loss”, but I really think the loss extends to everyone.

Maybe I was just the right kind of kid at the right time for it, but for my money, The Crow is right up there with The Rocky Horror Picture Show for must-see October viewing.

Just thinking about it got me firing up the soundtrack, and getting carried back to the summer of ‘94. And for the nonbelievers, the soundtrack alone is one of the most wonderful and special things to come out of the mid-90’s. I shit you not.

Honestly, it makes me feel bad for the kiddies today. What do you have? Some fruity vampire movie, about ten knockoffs, and the soundtracks are warmed over mall goth music “reimagined” from Marilyn Manson B-sides. You guys have it rough.

When cheerleaders from your school are using Facebook to discuss cleaning products, you can pretty much give up on ever being cool again.

Seen in Ann Arbor:
“I left Detroit in prayer.”