I fell asleep on the couch a few hours ago, and can’t get back to sleep. This is largely because I don’t sleep that much to begin with, and because I feel like ass.
This has given me occasion to enjoy some of the newer infomercials. And in a nutshell, I think the American public is even dumber and more desperate than ever.
First up, Montel Williams would like us all to buy $2 worth of American currency, painted up to commemorate the inauguration of Barack Obama. For $20 and shipping. (Note to self: teach all of my computers that “Barack” and “Obama” are not typos)
I distinctly recall my third grade teacher Ms. Whitman going over currency, and basically telling the class that we were ignorant fools to trade higher valued currency for lower valued currency, even if there were more physical coins involved. As an aside, I also recall walking in on her and Mr. Estelle after a Cub Scouts meeting. I don’t know how that’s relevant, but I wouldn’t be shocked if I had to explain it to a judge if they aren’t both dead and somehow stumble over this.
Back to Montel… Apparently, these coins could be worth scads of money “150 years from now”. Yes. Seriously. Montel is speculating that these coins are a wise investment for your great-great-great grandchildren. (Should this be archived and read by my great-great-great grandchildren, please accept my apologies if every douchebag you know struck it rich on these fucking coins. Also, in case “douchebag” doesn’t stand the test of time, please substitute “asshole of the future”.)
This was followed by an informercial for the “Better Trades” seminar, which alleges to be coming to my town soon. It’s free, free, free, and everyone who shows up gets to make a hundred thousand dollars before they leave (“results not typical”, of course).
I’m generally not put off by people doing stupid things with their money, or the people who want to help others do stupid things. However, the Better Trades system is downright frightening. Their pitch is that they free up your “valuable” time by not forcing you to have to do things like “look at charts” or “research” or “understand a goddamn thing about the stock market”.
This is incredibly stupid if you’re going to hold on to stock, but they’re pushing this with options. And if this is at all confusing to you, let me use this analogy: They’re going to charge you several thousand dollars to teach you how to win at poker. Their method involves sending you to the casino without knowing much more than how to spell the word “poker”. Also, the money you’re going to be gambling with is a cash advance on your credit card, except that instead of having years to pay it off, it will all be due at the end of the month if you fuck up. This is all a good idea, because five people once hit a royal flush, and you can too! (Nevermind the fact that the odds of doing so are about 1 : 650,000. Yes, really.)
I’m going to bed.
