This has been bugging me for a while…
You used to be able to go to any gas station, and choose from a vast array of Snapple and / or Mystic juices (or both, if you had a decent gas station to go to).
Now, it’s just tea and drinks that taste like battery acid and make you twitchy if you have more than one. (Note: Blue Agave Full Throttle and Lost Energy are my favorites)
So I wanted some kiwi-strawberry Snapple. It was a while ago, but my casual quest has not ended. I can report that it can not be purchased at Speedway, Citgo, Clark, Sunoco, Kroger, Rite Aid, Walgreen’s, or Sam’s Club.
Side note… if you buy a case of diapers, a case of baby wipes, and a handle of Jim Beam, people will make all sorts of unfunny comments until you get to your car and contemplate whether or not people will call the police if they see you crack open that bottle in the parking lot.
Anyway, kiwi strawberry.
I’m not sure what happened. My guess is that I was too busy drinking liquor to notice that it became uncool to enjoy 10% fruit juice without carbonation and imaginary vitamins.
So now I’m like this old geezer raising his fist at WalMart, screaming “WHERE’S THE SLO-POKES?” at the greeter, and fuck me, I think knowing what a Slo-Poke is somehow dates me incredibly.
I’m sure these drinks exist, and I’ll be all excited when I see them, and I’ll buy a case, and after two or three sips I’ll remember why I stopped drinking them in the first place.
Shit. I’m like a fortune teller for… uh… me.
