Anyone who has had the pleasure of living with me (admittedly, a small number of people) knows that when 11:00 rolls around, it’s time for the news.
The News is something that happens on Channel 7. Channel 4 is sensationalist bullshit, and watching the news on Channel 2 at 10:00 makes me feel like I’m watching news for old people. Old people who are not edgy enough to stay up ’til 11:30, and will miss out on anything that happens later than 11:00.
Sunday is like the catchall for soft news. Even their Sunday weather guy seems like he doesn’t really believe what he’s talking about. I certainly don’t believe him. He’s no Hodak, you know. “The Chief”, Diana calls them. I am on a first name basis with her. With the whole team. There’s investment here, damn it.
They’ve got this lady, JoAnne Purtan. She may be Dick Purtan’s wife. Or daughter. That’s the only plausible answer for her being on TV, let alone “The News”. I would probably shit myself in disbelief if someone could prove that she’s ever done anything other than provide ditzy narration over some meaningless AP story over stock footage from 1989. (Note: after writing this, I decided to look at her bio, and learned that she is, in fact, Dick’s daughter. That explains everything.)
Sunday is like her featured day. But not today.
Today, there was a big INTERNET ALERT, which on Channel 7 usually means that somebody forwarded JoAnne a virus alert from Bill Gates and Jared from Subway, or that she just stumbled over Friendster and wants to warn you about your teenage daughters becoming stupid and throwing caution to the wind as they fly off to Florida to suck off middle aged car salesmen.
But today was different. There was no JoAnne on this one. In fact, they put Steve Clark in the driver’s seat on this one. So, I paid attention. Despite his cheesy and sometimes painful segues, I am willing to believe what he says.
Steve wanted to tell me… well… us… about two ten year-old twins. Ariel and Zoey, from Ann Arbor. They sing, and in his words, if you look up “cute” in the dictionary, you will find them. More precisely, Steve fired up the Dictionary app on his Mac and they ran with a graphic of it with the two girls Photoshopped on it.
As a slight aside here, nobody at Channel 7 understands that DVR’s exist. That, or I’m the only person who thinks it’s funny to look at things they’re not supposed to show on TV. A while back, it was the full contact info for someone who won a drawing. Today, it was the actual definition of “cute” in Mac OS, which says “informal: sexually attractive.” Look it up on a Mac, nonbelievers.
Apparently, they’re well known for singing covers of Muppet songs. If you ask me, they’re Detroit Famous (more on that later), but I’m just speculating.
Well, someone sent them a horrible, scary, and perverse e-mail! THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOUR CHILDREN! There were threats! Well, sort of. CLEARLY, THIS PERSON IS DISTURBED!
Skipping back a bit, here’s how they sold it on the bumper. Words on the screen in huge letters are bolded for your convenience:
Two young twins targeted by cyberstalkers. An e-mail too frightening to ignore. Too disturbing to reveal! The biggest shock? Who wrote it! Steven Clark shows you what you need to to to keep your kids safe online!
The bumper, by the way, had scary Nightmare on Elm Street type music, with random bits of text scrolling outside a purple window with lightning. I’m not even sort of making this up, and I am stone cold sober.
Back to the story… Their dad is completely blown away by the e-mail. His family has been “terrorized”, he says. Every douchey “INTERWEB SCARY!” sentiment was out there on the table, while he sits on the couch with his surprisingly attractive wife who looks somewhat frightened, either by this man’s lunacy, or by the terrifying e-mail.
Oh, and back to the e-mail that’s “too disturbing to reveal”. Well, Channel 7 revealed it, superimposed on the twins’ web site. And here’s your money shot:
Name: Sam and Hailey
Email: horsecraZe301@aol.com
Comments: Hey ariel and zoey!!! We love you so much and saw you at tamarack and it changed our lives!! Everywhere we go we always try to fund the rainbow connection. I’m 35 years old and I listen to your inspiring music every day. My mom can hear it from the next room and tells me to turn it down or I won’t be able to live with her anymore. So I turn it down and turn on Kitten Sex Noises. which is her absolute favorite. You should do a song of sex noises!!! Lol then my mommy and I could listen and Enjoy together! I dropped out of college to pursue my lives dream of living on the moon and in the sea will you join me? You do not have to bring any clothes. I have that covered. wink wink. I have the lyrics
to Massachusetts embroidered on a quilt and I sleep with it every night. And I never ever wash it because then the magic will wear off. You should get a twitter so I can follow you every second of every day. Not like I don’t already but sometimes your windows are tinted and they’re hard to see through.
I LOVE YOU! ! ! I visit you website every 3.5 hours for updates. I look at your pictures and imagine you wearing whipped cream and jello then I pretend to lick it off but mother yells at me for having fantacisms. can I borrow your hair just for a day?? I just want the smell. You can just leave it on your doorstep. when I think of you I get a special feeling in my pelvis. Then I faff to get it away. I pretend that in my dreams I’m riding a pegasus in mid evil times and your the pegasus. I wanna rip off your skin and wear it to my birthday party. I want to bottle your sweat and wear it as perfume. I wanna photo shop my face into all your pictures so everyone can see how we are best friends. I love you.I’m at your door. Come and get it.
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo
Xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxox
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxox
First thing that popped in to my head: “That’s kind of funny.”
Next: “I wonder which forums the person who wrote this came from. Seems Farkish to me. Not nearly sophisticated enough for Something Awful, and too few non sequiturs for YTMND.”
Then: “What an incredible douche their dad is.”
Finally: “Holy fuck, this is the worst story I’ve ever seen them dedicate this much time to.”
As it turns out, Daddy knows someone at the FBI, who tracked the fucking message down. If I become this dense when I’m in my 40′s, just kill me. And if I have an even more dense friend who will do my bidding, kill us both. (Note to self: This guy almost certainly Googles himself, and will probably take this as a legitimate threat / suicide note. Fuck. I’ve got a bet with myself on this, so let’s roll the dice with keywords: Hi, Matt Engelbert from Ann Arbor, Michigan.)
Well, The Feds found that the message came from two teenage girls in West Bloomfield, who they probably scared the ever loving piss out of, with Special Agent Dickweed busting in to their English class demanding answers.
While I don’t advocate sending messages like that to 10 year-olds, I super don’t advocate flipping out about it. Or calling the fucking news.
And now, Steve Clark’s earlier-promised advice for protecting your children: “…”
Not even a “You should watch what your kids are doing online.” He did, however, mention that Daddy wants the Legislature to come up with a law to prosecute people who send e-mail like this. Again, I’m not making this up.
What has this world come to?
